TheNubianLily

For the past few months, I’ve been living my life in such a passive manner. Looking back on it, I feel as if I were in a fog, not seeing things clearly. But really, it was just me shutting the world out. Yes, there were moments of intense clarity that jolted me out of my “fog” but those clear moments didn’t last long enough. They were the kind of moments that come along once in two months. And I can’t keep waiting two months for one good moment of pure living. This weekend though!! This weekend, I opened myself up. I forced myself out of my “fog” and stepped out into the world…forced my eyes to open and wander over my surroundings, let my mind open and investigate new things, let my heart finally accept what its worth is, and I let my soul admit just how hungry it is. I can’t go through the motions of life just letting things happen to me. I need to take control of what I can, I need to react, I need to not shut the door in the face of opportunities, I need to LIVE. I need to LIVE. 

I am a masochist. I have to be.

Why else would I be subjecting myself to situations that hurt me? Why else would I choose to stay in those situations? Situations that only serve to increase the self-doubts, highlight the insecurities, force me to question myself, my decisions, my morals, my values, my standards…

If all these things culminated in me learning some life lesson and growing positively, I would not complain. But it is just an endless cycle that I can’t seem to escape…I don’t see that as growth. It is not. Therefore, the only plausible conclusion I can make is that I am a masochist. And I am most definitely not happy about this conclusion.